I’ve lost all sense of self since the night I endured the abuse of that man. He killed whatever innocence I had within myself and the bit of heart I had left. There’s nothing left of that girl I once knew. She is long dead and turned to ashes. All that is left of me are the broken pieces that are only pain, sorrow, shame, guilt, and regret. I spent several days in hopeless darkness that filled me with despair and shame. I didn’t feel like a person anymore. Just a thing that was used and tossed aside.
I lost any love I had for myself; I’m disgusted with who I have become. The physical pain may have been healed by the priestess, but I still hurt. She was a faceless angel who was gone when I awoke, who I never got to thank. There wasn’t a scar left on my body. But even though the physical pain I endured has been washed away, I still hurt. Not my body, but my heart and soul. The pain I feel inside is all-consuming. I’m drowning in it.
A large part of who I was is gone. Taken from me by that man. He stole a part of me. And for a while after, I became a shell of a woman. I couldn’t bring myself to continue on for a long time. If it weren’t for Tyma, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. I spent many days and nights in bed crying. Reliving the nightmare over and over again in my head. Feeling so helpless. Completely powerless to stop him.
Every night, I close my eyes and see his face. I can’t even bear the touch of others, for it brings back the pain he left upon my body. Upon my soul. I weep with no one to pray to. And I feel like it’s my fault. This is what I agreed to. To be used for a man’s pleasure. It’s what I got paid to do. Right?
Therefore, I shouldn’t cry when a man uses me for his own twisted delights. That’s what I try telling myself, and yet I didn’t want to be abused so mercilessly. I never asked to be hurt like that. No one deserves that kind of treatment. And it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, Madame will now refuse service to that man, but who’s stopping it from happening again with a different man? It’s not like we can go to the guard about this. They’ll just say we’re whores and that’s what we get paid for. Maybe they’re right… I don’t know anymore.
But one thing is for sure, I know I’m not completely broken. Part of me still clings to a purpose. After my tears dried up, I somehow picked myself up and dusted myself off. I have to create a mask that holds a smile to hide the pain inside so I can do what is needed. While my family is in chains, I will not hide away in darkness. I know the abuse they endure is probably far worse than anything I will endure at the hands of a man with coin and a hard cock. I’ll endure what I have to in order to get the coin I need to free them. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. As long as I can free my family and friends, it’ll be worth the pain.
I pull myself together and head back to work. But never again will I ever allow myself to break under a man’s treatment. They can do what they want to me, but they will not get any satisfaction from seeing my tears or hearing my cries. Nor will I ever give another man my heart if there is anything left of it. I’ll please their cocks and get them off, but they will never break me.
And over the weeks, many have tried their best. I’ve truly sacrificed myself to pain, taking on any client with enough coin. Faced their worst. Some have tried to be as rough as they can with me, but they didn’t see a single tear. Some have tried to win my heart, but all they got was my body for the night.
I, however, have come to win their hearts. I have learned to properly play the game. Luring these lustful men into spilling their secrets and making them imagine a future we could have together if they continue to pay to be with me. They’re a bunch of hypocrites. They come back night after night for a love they think I can give them. Of course, most of them have wives of their own and completely disgust me. But I have created one of the best masks of deception. I can wear a smile like the best of them. Make even the wisest and stalwart men open their hearts and their purses to me.
I’ve gotten so skilled at the game; I even have men paying to pleasure me. I’ve learned to wrap them around my finger and convince them to put their balls in my hands so I can squeeze every last copper out of them.
I even have a wealthy captain of the Golden High Elf Trading Company as a regular whenever he’s in town. Captain Gorwin Glynydark. He is a decent-enough looking man with a face like any other. His nose is a little big, but he’s kind, gentle, and will do whatever I tell him to. He literally pays me coin just to worship me and lick my feet. He might be the captain of a ship, spending his time giving orders and commands, but in my presence, he’s completely submissive. I can tell him to do whatever I want, and he’ll do it and like it. He particularly loves to kiss my toes. I’m not much on feet since they’re usually dirty, but I don’t mind having mine worshiped. I once had him spend an entire session giving my feet and the rest of my body a massage. Such a great way to get paid.
Once I find my parents, I will have enough to buy them back. I’ve also taken a step to make sure no one will ever rob me again. I’ve put my gold into a secure bank. I learn from my mistakes, and I won’t ever make them again.
In being broken, I’ve become unbreakable. A force not to be reckoned with. I’ve even put Zaralraden to shame. Stealing most of her clients as well. She now begs to be ridden by the most desperate of men. Revenge is by far a dish best served cold. Even better than revenge is to surpass your rivals in power and importance. I’m now Madame’s best worker. Men fight each other to have just one moment with me, let alone an entire night. They’ll pay their entire fortune just for a kiss. It gives me much pleasure to have so much power over them. To snap my fingers and have a man fall to his knees to pleasure me. Not the other way around. That’s what Zaralraden never had. All she has now are my scraps. She can have her nasty High Father and the rest of the abusive pervs. I’ll take what I want from any man I want.
My name is whispered among both lustful men and jealous women alike. It’s revered. The women I work with wish they could be me, and the men want to have me. But neither will get what they want. No woman will ever be like me, and no man will ever truly have me.
Tonight, like all nights, men pour in to fight over me, trying to outbid each other for a moment alone with me. I leave it to Madame to put up with them as I make my way to my room. The best room in the brothel. It’s definitely the biggest. Used to be Zaralraden’s. Stupid cunt.
If only Orym could see me now. He would be so jealous and full of regret and desire. I hope I do see him again. I would love to rip the bastard’s heart out.
As I wait for whatever lucky man should get the privilege of being on their knees to eat my cunt out tonight, I pour myself an enormous glass of wine and relax by the window. The night is rather calm. Of course, we rarely ever get rain in the Shifting Sands. An occasional sand storm with heavy clouds of thunderous heat and lightning seems to battle in the sky. Those were horrible when we lived in tents. Everyone would bunker down in the Gallows and pray their belongings were still salvageable when it was over. Those bastard wood elves get all the rain. A bunch of uncivilized, tree-worshiping savages. They still cling to the old religion and their woodland goddess. I’ll never understand them.
The door opens and I don’t give the man the satisfaction of my attention. I just continue to look out the window, watching the moons fight for the sky while the man closes the door behind him.
But then a voice stills my beating heart. “You’ve grown quite the reputation, Little Sparrow.”
I spill my wine as I nearly stumble out of my chair when I meet the eyes of a man I hate more than anyone else. A man who is truly the reason I lost everyone I cared about. Phraan. He wears a wicked smile as he stands between me and the door. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this. A really long time.”
Before I can scream, he lunges at me, wrapping his hand around my mouth. He pins me against the bed, pressing his weight on top of me. His ugly face is smeared with a horribly sinister sneer. “I’m going to take my time and really enjoy this. The things I’m going to do to you will not be pleasant for you, but I’ll love every moment of it.’
Not again! I can’t go through this again. No… Especially not with him. I won’t be a victim again. I feel his hand crawling down my body and it makes me want to throw up. Fear mixed with anger boils in my blood as I struggle and fight as hard as I can. I won’t let him hurt me. Never! He tears at my blouse as I struggle to get his hands off of me. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes. No… Not again. Not with him. Please…
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