Bothvar Beorcolsson
The smell feels familiar. A sour, musky smell of a man that hasn’t bathed in a while. I sniff myself for a second. It’s slightly different from my own. “Whoever you are, you visit death to trespass in my cave!”
“Bothvar? Is that you?” A familiar voice echoes out.
“You sound familiar. Name yourself,” I shout back.
“It is your old friend, Skardi,” the voice calls back.
“Skardi? Is it really you?” I ask.
He steps out from the side of the cavern wall. “By the gods, it is you. It’s been a long time, my friend.”
I walk up and pull him into a great big bear hug. He grunts and breathes out. “You’re crushing me.”
I let him down and take a good look at him as he does the same. His eyes don’t seem to recognize me, nor does he look happy to see me. He’s grown a beard and his eyes look weary. He’s even skinnier than before. Bone thin. His skin barely is stretched tight against his gaunt face.
“You don’t look like the Bothvar I know. You’re bigger. Your skin is darker. You have a beard, but I suppose that is to be expected after living in a cave for all winter and fall. Your eyes are a lot harder than Bothvar’s. They seem to be the same color, but there’s a strange glow to them. You stand differently than Bothvar, and you look like a wild man.” Skardi says with his eyes narrowed to fine points as he looks me up and down, rubbing the scruffy beard on his chin.
“Well, I can explain. But first tell me, why do you look so thin? You look like a walking skeleton with skin. Here, eat these. They’ll help.” I quickly grab him some mushrooms and a cup of the glow rock water. “Drink this.”
He doesn’t hesitate to drink and eat what I give him. “The mushrooms and the water. They turn your skin dark, but you don’t need to eat much of them to feel rejuvenated. They’re a blessing. They heal and make strong the senses. The water toughens the body. Makes you strong, but only to the extent of your own efforts in forging your body with hard work. However, I am afraid to say no matter how strong I get, I still can’t lift that bloody hammer. It is as if it is one with the ground. I will lift that damn thing. You mark my words, but it seems I’ll have to return home without it.”
“Bothvar…”
I stare at the hammer on its altar and feel disappointed. “It seems my entire stay here has been for nothing. Well, maybe not for nothing. I am far stronger. I have known true pain and sorrow. But I have also discovered something more. I do not know how to put this into words. But I have found meaning, I suppose. I will return home to my family and show them all that I have learned. I can’t wait to see my son and my wife. And Thorkel’s kids, I will take them as my own and help Asfrid raise them. That is to be.”
“Bothvar…”
“It seems I have become a new man, Skardi. A new man indeed.”
“Bothvar… I… I don’t know how to tell you this.”
Skardi’s eyes seem to have hollowed as he stares through me. “I… I have to tell you. I just… I’m sorry, Bothvar. I truly am.”
“Just say what you have to say, Skardi.” What has happened? Please don’t tell me something happened to someone I care about. I’ve lost too much; I can’t bear the thought of losing someone else.
“Stormfront has suffered greatly. Winter never ends. Night seems to last forever. We grew hungry. Food was scarce. We tried to fish, but it seems the fish are gone. We hunt to find nothing. The land is a baron wasteland of frozen death. Many have died. So many,” he says as tears rain down in his eyes.
“What are you saying?” I ask as I feel my chest tighten. “Tell me.”
He looks up into my eyes with the pain of a thousand cuts. “I’m so sorry, Bothvar. I did everything I could. We all did.”
“What? Tell me now, Skardi! Tell me!” I roar, nearly causing the poor skeleton of a man to stumble back.
“Please forgive me. I don’t know why I live when so many others have died. It is not fair. The gods are angry with us. They punish us,” Skardi says as he drops to his knees.
“Just say it!” I growl.
“Arni… your son… Asfrid and her baby boy. Ottkatla Gudleifdottir, Ragneid Ketildottir, Hedinfrid Jomardottir, and so many more. They’re all dead. Died from The Longest Night. Died of hunger. We had no food.”
“Arni? My son? What do you mean, they are dead? They can’t possibly be dead. They are mine! They are strong. Something such as hunger could not kill them. I won’t allow it,” I say as my blood heats up like a burning fire.
“I’m so sorry, Bothvar. I had to tell you. They all died because I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save anyone. I am not worthy of being your friend. I have failed you,” he says as he weeps at my feet.
The anger seems to boil over as I rush up to the hammer and pull with all my might. I want to break everything! Destroy this place. They’re all dead because I wasn’t there for them. I failed them. I dig my feet in and use every last drop of rage in me to pull this damn hammer out. The ground cracks beneath my feet as I pull. The cave shakes and groans from my might. Chunks fall from the ceiling, but I do not give in.
“You must stop it or you’ll cause the whole cave to fall on us!” Skardi shouts.
I can’t stop. If I stop, it means I have lost everything for nothing. Why! Why won’t you budge! I must have the strength to kill those who have taken everything from me. I have to wield this hammer. All I’ve done here can’t have been for nothing.
I finally give up and drop to my knees, filled with anguish. How do I kill hunger?
I weep as tears fall down my face. It is all my fault. Amalasontha and the Valkyrie were right, and I was wrong. And it only cost me everything to learn it. Instead of trying to lift this damn hammer so I could kill the bastard elf who took my brother, I should’ve been home providing for my family. They’d still be alive if I was.
My heart breaks to dust within my chest. But I cannot give in to grief now. There will be time for sorrow. I must get back to my clan. My people need me. I must take care of them. They can’t pay for my mistakes. I cannot let Amalasontha’s lessons go unpracticed. This is what Arni would’ve wanted.
—
Before we leave, we take as many mushrooms as we can and fill a jog with the water.
I return home with Skardi to a place I no longer recognize. It feels like a town of ghosts as the people barely clinging to life. They need staves to keep themselves upright. I grew strong at the cost of my people’s strength, and the people I loved paid with their lives for my strength.
I enter the keep of my father to find him in his seat, but he looks as if he’s a man already dead, just clinging to life with his final breaths. His face is that of a skull, covered in skin, with a beard. His eyes meet mine, and he doesn’t even recognize me.
I hand the bag of mushrooms to Skardi. “Hand these out to everyone you find, along with the water. Start with my family first and then the rest as you see fit. I will head back for more.”
I grab the biggest sacks, tying them to my belt before grabbing two of the largest empty barrels I can find, lifting them over my shoulders. I then run back up the mountain to the cave. The time I take to get there seems to get shorter each time. Even the snow doesn’t hinder me any longer.
Once I get to my cave, I fill the barrels, seal them, and set them outside. With my ax and sword, I run from cave to cave, filling the sacks with mushrooms. One was once filled with those creatures before I killed them all. I skip that cave, fearing those fiends have tainted it. I finally fill up both sacks and head back to my cave. I look down at my sword and ax before I toss them aside in the cave. These weapons have cost me too much. Maybe one day I will pick them up once more, but not now. Not when I have lost everything, including the will to fight.
With the sacks tied to my belt, I hoist the barrels up over my shoulders and run back down the mountain to the town. I get there none too soon. Setting the barrels in the keep where Skardi waits with an empty sack. My family has all come out and they all look gaunt, but even my father looks better now. Skardi looks as if he is standing straighter. He looks less like a skeleton.
“Gather all the clan. We need to dish out these mushrooms and water,” I command. Skardi rushes off. I get Thormar to eat and drink.
My mother looks at me wearily as she walks up to me with Aunt Sigvor behind. Her eyes search me as she tries to find her son. “Bothvar? Is that really you, my son?”
She reaches up to me, and I take her hand in mine, holding it to my cheek. She is so cold. Tears well up in her eyes as she collapses in my arms. “It is you. You’ve come back. I knew you would. My dear, Bothvar. Everyone thought you were dead, but I knew you were still alive.”
She cries as she clings to my chest. I just hold her in my arms as she weeps. She finally pulls herself together to look into my eyes. A smile grows upon her face. A weak smile. “You’ve grown so much. I no longer see the little boy I gave birth to. What happened to you?”
“I have been forged by the mountains, but it seems I have taken the wrong path. My people suffer while I grow strong. Skardi told me my wife and child have died along with Asfrid and her son. Is this true?”
My mother’s face shows the pain I was so afraid of. Her cheeks have sunken in and she looks so frail and feeble. They all look weakened by hunger and the cold. My mother weeps once more. “I’m so… so very sorry, my son. I tried to save them. I tried everything. But Thorkel’s son died in the womb. It was already hard for Asfrid after Thorkel died, but when she lost her son, she lost the will to live. I tried everything I could, but Asfrid no longer had the strength to carry on. She wouldn’t eat. Not that we had food to spare, but I tried my hardest to get her to eat what little I could give. She was the second to die.”
My mother’s eyes drift off into the distance, lost in the dark and sad past. She finally takes a deep breath and lets it out before her eyes, covered in shadows with bags hanging underneath, meet mine. “Arngunn was devastated at losing her sister. She also refused to eat. Giving her portions to your son and Thora. I tried to feed her. I tried to force her to eat, but she was struck with grief. Then a rumor spread that you were dead. People thought you wouldn’t survive the winter in the mountains. If that wasn’t bad enough, a sickness spread through the town. Many died. Many, including your son. Sigvor, Ingithora, and I tried everything. We used all the herbs we could to heal the sick. To heal your son, but nothing worked. It broke my heart more than anything when he stopped breathing. I tried to give him my own breath, but he couldn’t take it. After that, Arni too gave up on life. She wilted away like a flower in fall until she too died. My child, I am so sorry. I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save anyone.”
I just pull her into my arms and hold her. I don’t think I have a heart left to feel anymore. “The fault is not yours. It is mine. I should’ve never left. My family needed me, and I was not here when it mattered. They died because I chose the path of revenge. I am to blame for this. I alone.”
“No… my son. You are not to blame. I am,” my father says as he stands from his chair and hobbles over to me. He puts a thin hand that’s bone wrapped in skin on my shoulder. “It is I who casted you out. I was so angry. When I heard of Thorkel’s death, I was in pain. I was not thinking clearly. I said words to you I wish I could’ve had back. When the rumor spread about your death, my heart nearly grew still. I couldn’t forgive myself…
His gaze drops to the floor as tears fall from his eyes. “I knew it was my faut. Because I couldn’t handle the loss of one son, I casted another out and lost two. That led me to fall into grief so consuming that I did nothing when my people needed me most. I all but abandoned them in my grief. I sat here trapped in the past, thinking about what I could’ve done differently if only I had gone with you both on that raid. I would’ve been the one to sacrifice myself, not Thorkel. Then you’d both still be here. It is my fault.”
My father sobs, and I pull him into a hug. “It is not your fault, father. You did what you thought was right to send us out on the raid. War might still come. And I cannot blame a father for grieving for a son because I now know what it feels like to lose a child. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt, and I believed I knew the worst of pain.”
He wraps his arms around me and holds me as tight as his weak arms can hold. “I am proud of you, son. You are a better man than I. You who are justified to be mad. To be angry. Instead, you stood strong and did what was right for the people. You saved us all. Your heart does not deserve the pain it bears.”
“I no longer have one, father. It grew cold and still within my chest.” I say and turn away as people trickle in. The sight made my stomach turn. It was as if the dead could walk. I swallow and grab the sack of mushrooms. I turn to my mother and my aunt. “Get cups and bowls. Everyone must drink this water and eat these mushrooms.”
“Bothvar?” I look over to see Svala walking out. She can barely stand up straight. She’s holding a frail, thin little girl. “Is that really you?”
“Svala, come, you and Thora must eat these mushrooms and drink this water,” I say as I rush up to her.
“No, I don’t have time. You must help. Bodvar… He’s dying. There’s something wrong. Please help us,” she says, pleading as tears fall from her eyes. I follow her into Bodvar’s room where he lies on his bed, as thin as a twig. His skin clings to his bones with hardly any muscle or fat at all. He’s foaming at the mouth.
“What has happened?” I ask.
“I don’t know… He’s been eating that… That poison. That glimmer the elves call it. Someone had it from raiding the elven ships, and Bodvar started taking it after your son died. He blames himself. He just started foaming at the mouth. I think he took too much. I don’t know what to do. You have to help him, please. I can’t lose him too,” she says, freaking out.
“Calm down, go get Aunt Sigvor and mother, and bring the water and mushrooms,” I tell her as I kneel down and turn him on his side so the foam drips down and he doesn’t choke on it or his tongue. I check for a heartbeat. It’s barely there. My mother and Aunt Sigvor stagger in with Svala holding a cup of water with those glowing mushrooms. My father is behind her with Thormar and Thora.
My aunt kneels down. “I’ve seen this before. I’ll be right back…”
She stumbles out and several minutes later comes in with an incense. She ignites it and has me get Bodvar sitting up. We try to get him to breathe it in as she holds it over his nose. Slowly, after a while, Bodvar becomes conscious. He opens his eyes halfway…
“Bothvar…” His head sways back and forth. “What’s going on…”
“What were you thinking, taking this glimmer?” Mother snaps at him. “You almost died. We nearly lost you.”
Tears start falling down Bodvar’s face. “I just wanted to feel better. I just wanted the pain to stop. I tried so hard to save them. I couldn’t save your son. I’m so sorry. Please… Please forgive me, brother. Your son is dead and it should’ve been me instead. I tried everything…”
I pull my brother into my arms and embrace him. “It is not your fault, Bodvar. It is mine. I shouldn’t have been away for so long.”
He breaks down and sobs in my arms and my heart breaks with him. This is all my fault. I lost the two people who made life worth living, and now my family is broken.
When I finally break from my brother, I get him to eat more mushrooms and drink more water before he gets some rest.
I make sure every last one of my people eats the mushrooms and drinks the water. Especially my family and friends. I make sure to get rid of all traces of that glimmer poison. I burn it all. Thankfully, the Mushrooms seem to have a reverse effect and help Bodvar recover rather fast.
I make several more trips up and down the mountain to get more before every last man, woman, and child is fed
—
I stumble out to the docks with a knife in my hand.
I’ve lost everything. I can no longer bear the pain anymore. All I want is to see my wife and child. This world… This life has nothing left for me anymore. The clouds have taken over the sky and snuffed out the sun. I find that pendant hanging around my neck. The one I never gave Arni. I rip it off and throw it as far as I can into the icy waters, beyond the frozen shore. Snow assaults our city, coming down with a wrath. I hold the knife to my chest, the tip pointing towards my stone-cold shattered heart. Arngunn, please forgive me.
“What are you doing?” I turn to find my mother walking out on the dock to me. “My poor child, what in the name of the gods are you doing!”
“I can no longer bear the pain anymore mother. My wife and child are gone, and it’s all my fault. I can’t live this life without them. I can’t do it,” I say. Tears of sorrow burden my eyes.
“You have to. If you die like this, you will never see them again. You will die without honor and will be cursed to wander the icy tundra of Niflheim; your suffering will be eternal. This I will not allow,” she says as she takes a step closer. “I’ve already lost four of my children, your brother, his wife, and our dear Arngunn, along with your son. I will not lose you too.”
“I don’t know how to live with this pain, mother. It hurts so much.” I grit my teeth as I look down at the knife pointing at my broken heart.
“You have to learn to live with it, my son. If you ever want to see your brother, wife, and the children again, you will learn to live with it. You must live a life of honor and duty so you can feast with them again in Valholl when you finally take the last voyage. Please,” she says, slowly stepping towards me. Tears run down like a river from her eyes. She wraps her shaking hand around mine, prying my fingers off of the blade until it drops, crashing through the wood to the sea below.
I turn away from her and face the endless sea as I drop to my knees while the winter storm rages on, reflecting my pain. I endure the blizzard’s wrath and I allow myself to weep. My mother kneels down and wraps me in her embrace. I weep for my baby boy and my beloved wife. I cry for Longhorn, White-hair, and Short-Snubs. Shedding tears for Tonna and her fallen sisters. Rain falls from my eyes for my brother, his wife, and son. I cry for the people who died while I grew strong.
Then I let out a roar back at the storm as if we’re at war. But right then and there, the storm breaks. The snow stops, the clouds break, and a ray of light showers down behind me. Both my mother and I gasp in amazement before we turn to look back as the ray of sunlight lays down on a single spot, and my eyes widen in astonishment. The light shines down upon a little girl, a little more than a cycle old walking out to me. No. Not just any girl. I see it now. She is the Daughter of the Sea. My hope has been renewed, and I make this promise that I will never abandon my people again and I will live a life with honor. I will serve my duty to those who still live. I will see Thorkel’s blood live on in this girl. With the breaths I have left, I will guide Thora, the Daughter of the Sea to honor and glory. I will earn my place next to my brother and I will see my beloved wife and our child once again in the next life. That is my vow.
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