I can\u2019t hold back the tears as they stream down my face. He\u2026 He didn\u2019t leave me by choice. He was forced. He\u2026 He was sent north and\u2026 It\u2019s all my fault. He got caught because he was with me. I get to the dorm and collapse on my bed and cry. Light, please protect him. Bring him back to me. I was all wrong, and I thought things about him\u2026 I wanted him dead and I might just get what I wished for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIs everything okay?\u201d I look up to see Chalia walk in and shut the door behind her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPlease, I wish to be alone right now,\u201d I say, burying my head back into my pillow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI can\u2019t allow that. You are hurting, and I won\u2019t let you hurt alone. Please, tell me what is wrong,\u201d she says as she sits down at the end of my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI can\u2019t,\u201d I say into my pillow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI think I already know. You worked at a brothel before you came here, didn\u2019t you?\u201d she asks as my heart stops in my chest. I pull myself up from my bed and try to wipe away the tears. They won\u2019t stop. \u201cYou were with him. You loved him. I\u2019m assuming he loved you back. Didn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I look into her eyes and see no malice. Just concern. \u201cPlease, don\u2019t tell anyone. If people knew what I did before this, they would judge me poorly for it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cRelax, I will not tell anyone. I promise. Just talk to me. Tell me what happened,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sniff the snot leaking down my nose and wipe away the river of tears, tearing my gaze from Chalia. \u201cAfter my entire family was sold into slavery and I was forced to run away, I snuck into Low Town and met a woman named Madame Faralene who saved me from some unsavory characters. She took me in and gave me a job serving tables and a place to sleep. I was desperate for money to buy my family\u2019s freedom, and one thing led to another. I took customers for some less dignified work than serving drinks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly to calm myself as the memories try to fight their way to the surface. \u201cOrym was my first customer. He was kind and gentle. He treated me with respect and compassion. I couldn\u2019t help it. I fell in love with him, and I believe he felt the same way about me. The first night together, we spent much of it talking. Eventually, I felt so comfortable with him that I gave him my virginity. And then he vanished. He never showed up after that. It was like he never existed. I thought it was all some big lie. I believed he never cared for me at all and all I was to him was some twisted conquest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The tears won\u2019t stop, no matter how many times I try to wipe them away. I look back up at her to see a wide-eyed, gaping expression. \u201cYou\u2026 You poor girl. That\u2019s so sad. Come here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She pulls me into her chest and holds me as I sob. I completely give up on trying to hold myself together. \u201cAt least now you know the truth. He didn\u2019t leave you by choice, but he was forced to leave. That means he still loves you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pull myself away from her to look into her eyes. \u201cBut it is my fault he was sent to the north. What if he dies because of me? I could not bear that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She shakes her head. \u201cNone of this is your fault. He chose to go to the brothel, and he spend his time with you. Not only that, but I believe this entire concept of not being able to form attachments and relationships is completely absurd. The heart wants what it wants. Who are we, or the church for that matter, to tell it otherwise? You loved him, and he loved you. What is more divine than that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou really think so?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She nods. \u201cOf course, I do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThank you, you\u2019re a really good person and a great friend.\u201d I lay my head down on her lap and she softly combs her fingers through my hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI only do and say what I think is right,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I take in a deep breath and let it out. After talking to her, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. The truth of what happened to Orym brings some relief, but it also brings more burdens. I will continue to pray for him and his safe return. May the Light protect him and keep him safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
—<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Chalia helps me to pull myself together before I head off to see Damaris. I manage to hold my emotions in while she welcomes me into her study and has me take a seat across from her. \u201cSo, how are you doing, Lura?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHonestly, I\u2019m a lot better now that I\u2019m here. Things have really improved a lot,\u201d I say, which is all completely honest and puts a genuine smile on Damaris\u2019s beautiful face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat is great. I am happy to hear that. How are your studies coming?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGreat. I am pretty close to being ready to take the test to ascend to level one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She smiles. \u201cI\u2019m not surprised. You are a bright young woman. I know you\u2019ll ascend quickly through the ranks. Are you making friends well enough?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod my head. \u201cYes. Quite well, in fact. Chalia and I get along really well as well as Ralodan, Biremeril, and the new girl, Melyis.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her smile brightens. \u201cThat truly warms my heart to hear. I was hoping you\u2019d form bonds of friendship with the three of them in your class. Do you have any concerns, questions, or things you\u2019d like to talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cActually, yes. I do. I uhhh\u2026 Well, you see, we\u2019ve all noticed my book that I received, along with Chalia, Ralodan, Biremeril, Charinva, and even the new girl Melyis\u2026 Well\u2026 There are notes that only appear in the textbooks we look at, and the notes are all the same, claiming secrets about the church. It leaves us assuming they are written by Terel himself. At least that\u2019s what we all concur.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her smile relaxes a bit. \u201cI see. Honestly, I suspected the four of you would see such notes. I have also seen them, from the time I first picked up the book. Have you found the books they reference?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I shake my head. \u201cI\u2019ve been told another stray has them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to name any names. Perhaps once they finish with them, you and the others can have a turn at them. When you finish reading them, come back to me and we can talk about them,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod. \u201cI do not understand why this has to be such a big secret. Why can\u2019t everyone know what this secret is?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI think you\u2019ll find that answer when you read the books. Read them, and I\u2019ll answer any questions you have,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sigh and nod. \u201cCan you at least tell me why I can see the notes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Lura, but that too is answered in the books,\u201d she says, giving me a sincerely apologetic look. \u201cI hate that it has to be this way, but that\u2019s how it is supposed to be. Terel has his reasons for doing what he did, and they will become clear to you once you have read his books.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My eyes go wide. \u201cSo, you\u2019re saying he is, in fact, the one who wrote the notes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She smiles. \u201cYou got me there. Yes, he is the one who wrote the books and the notes. I\u2019ll also tell you much of what is written is from his own conversations with the Angel Akrasiel and the High Mother, Mathienne herself, can attest that Terel spent much time with the Angel of the Light. Just a warning, what you read from his books might not be easy to swallow. It is a lot to take in, and you\u2019ll need time to process it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat could possibly be so significant to cause such secrecy and shock?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat is something you\u2019ll have to find out on your own when you read the books,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod. \u201cOkay\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNow, unless you have anything else you\u2019d like to talk about, I suggest you go get ready for the sermon. Unfortunately, I will not be able to make it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod. \u201cOkay. Thank you for talking to me, Sister Damaris. I appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She nods with that sincere and warm smile. \u201cOf course. I only wish I had more time to give to you and the others. But the Light wills what it wills.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod and bow my head. She gets up and lets me out, hugging me before I leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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