I still can\u2019t let go of everything that\u2019s dead and gone. I\u2019m not even sure if I still believe in the gods that hold them. I can\u2019t bring myself to say farewell, because it would be the last goodbye. So, I continue to hold on to them in my broken heart. The pieces can\u2019t ever be mended when most of them are still in my wife\u2019s dead hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhy does it hurt so much to stay here without you, Arni? Every time I try to let you go, I see your face and it brings the pain I try to lock so deep-down bubbling back to the surface. Why did you have to die? Why were you taken from me? We had so much love left to share with each other, and now the love I still hold on to is bleeding in the pain of your absence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wipe the tears away. I\u2019m a man and yet I still weep for those long dead and gone. Why can\u2019t I let go? Every time I try, I feel as if I am killing them myself. I can\u2019t imagine life without the pain that their memories bring me. It seems I prefer sorrow in their death more than any joy I could find in someone\u2019s life. \u201cThorkel, I don\u2019t know how you did it. I don\u2019t know how to be a leader like you. The village expects me to fill your boots and carry your sword, but I can\u2019t. I can\u2019t lead them when I can\u2019t even carry myself. How can I carry the weight of our people\u2019s future on my shoulders when I can barely stand on my own feet?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWho says you have to do it alone?\u201d I turn to find my father standing behind me. How are an old man, my mother, and two kids able to so easily sneak up on me when I have hearing akin to a hare? Am I that lost in my grief that I can\u2019t even hear the footsteps of an old man?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He takes a seat next to me and stares out at the horizon. \u201cI often find myself ending up out here trying to find my son. Wondering if he\u2019s in the halls of Valholl or lost at sea.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, father. It\u2019s my fault\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo\u2026 It\u2019s not. I was wrong. So wrong. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another. Thorkel\u2019s actions, however brave and honorable, were his actions. I was so mad, mostly at myself for not being there, that I lashed out at everyone. As much as you and I wish he could be here. As much as we wish Arngunn, Asfrid, and the children could come back to us, we have to let them go and live for those who still need us. You have a little girl who desperately needs you, and I have children of my own who need me as well, including you. You\u2019re not alone, son. Even after I\u2019m long gone and dead, you still have people you can lean on to share the burden that comes with leadership. I will do my very best to hold my share of the burden until I can finally join Thorkel in the halls of Valholl,\u201d he says, hand on my shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat if the gods don\u2019t exist?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He takes a moment to look at all the stars in the sky. \u201cThat could be possible. I won\u2019t deny I have doubts more often than not. Maybe there are no gods. Or maybe the gods we worship are not the true gods. Maybe they are. We\u2019ll only find out on our own last voyage. But I can tell you what\u2019s true is true regardless of what you and I know and believe. I know that doesn\u2019t help, but I don\u2019t have the right answer to this question. Sometimes you just need faith, but when I see those stars above, I know it couldn\u2019t be just a coincidence. I do know one thing: it is better to believe in a god that doesn\u2019t exist than to walk alone without faith in a world like this. Regardless of whether or not the gods we worship exist, it feels good to believe in something, rather than nothing at all.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I ponder that for a moment as I look out at the oddly calm sea that reflects the stars above. \u201cI suppose I can accept that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou won\u2019t ever have all the answers. None of us do, and those who say they do are either crazy or drunk on their own brew. We do the best we can with what we have, and even then, sometimes it is not enough. The world will take what it wants from us and we are powerless to stop it, but that doesn\u2019t mean we should surrender to its will. We fight on and save those who we can. We carry on and grieve our dead, celebrate their lives, and say our farewells. It\u2019s not forever, it\u2019s just for now. One day, we will see them again. I\u2019m sure of it. But for now, the people who are still with us are the ones who need us. So, we carry on until our last voyage when we can be reunited with those we lost,\u201d father says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow do you carry on when it feels so futile?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIs it?\u201d my father asks as he meets my eyes. \u201cAre our people not better because of your actions? Look back upon our village. It is far different from the one you grew up in. It\u2019s been devastated by invaders, but it still stands and it is stronger than it was before. And you are a big reason for that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut Thon was the one who killed most of the giants and healed our people. He saved my life. Without his aid, wouldn\u2019t all have been lost?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPerhaps. But who brought him here? If it were not for you and your hearing, we\u2019d have never met him. If it were not for you, we\u2019d not have this new strength. And you have a bad knack for underplaying your role in things. I saw you on the battlefield with the giants. What you did was nothing short of glorious. You went toe to toe with the giants, killing more than any of us could, all without the aid of others. Not only that, you showed men how to fight them and you saved many lives, including my own. You were the true hero of that battle, and I\u2019ve never been prouder of you,\u201d he says, and gives my shoulder a squeeze. \u201cNow come on, let us head inside and get some sleep. You\u2019ll need your rest for your raids.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod and get up with him. I take one last look out at the sea. I still can\u2019t say goodbye. \u201cAnd son?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I meet my father\u2019s eyes. \u201cThere is no shame in coming out here to speak with those you lost, but do not get lost in them. It is easy to live in the past and let pain and grief consume you. But you cannot let the past take you away from the here and now. We need you and we love you. The memories of them will not go away, but the pain will dull over time. One day you\u2019ll look back and only see the fond memories you shared with them, and you will feel joy for those moments instead of sorrow in their absence. And hopefully, you can learn to love again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nod as I consider his words. He smiles at me. \u201cOh\u2026 And one other thing. Don\u2019t forget where you placed your flame, and don\u2019t let it go out. You\u2019ll need the flame in the cold, long nights ahead. If you can, try to find a second flame to make yours burn hotter. And don\u2019t let anyone drink the wine you find or any of the stronger drinks on your voyage. At least not until you all get back.\u201d He smiles and then makes his way back. I hate when he does that. Always leaving riddles. But I can admit it is fun to do it to others. I still can\u2019t forget the look on Thormar\u2019s face when I told him the advice about meeting new people. It was worth my entire weight of gold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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