Bothvar Beorcolsson
I still can’t let go of everything that’s dead and gone. I’m not even sure if I still believe in the gods that hold them. I can’t bring myself to say farewell, because it would be the last goodbye. So, I continue to hold on to them in my broken heart. The pieces can’t ever be mended when most of them are still in my wife’s dead hands.
“Why does it hurt so much to stay here without you, Arni? Every time I try to let you go, I see your face and it brings the pain I try to lock so deep-down bubbling back to the surface. Why did you have to die? Why were you taken from me? We had so much love left to share with each other, and now the love I still hold on to is bleeding in the pain of your absence.”
I wipe the tears away. I’m a man and yet I still weep for those long dead and gone. Why can’t I let go? Every time I try, I feel as if I am killing them myself. I can’t imagine life without the pain that their memories bring me. It seems I prefer sorrow in their death more than any joy I could find in someone’s life. “Thorkel, I don’t know how you did it. I don’t know how to be a leader like you. The village expects me to fill your boots and carry your sword, but I can’t. I can’t lead them when I can’t even carry myself. How can I carry the weight of our people’s future on my shoulders when I can barely stand on my own feet?”
“Who says you have to do it alone?” I turn to find my father standing behind me. How are an old man, my mother, and two kids able to so easily sneak up on me when I have hearing akin to a hare? Am I that lost in my grief that I can’t even hear the footsteps of an old man?
He takes a seat next to me and stares out at the horizon. “I often find myself ending up out here trying to find my son. Wondering if he’s in the halls of Valholl or lost at sea.”
“I’m sorry, father. It’s my fault…”
“No… It’s not. I was wrong. So wrong. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another. Thorkel’s actions, however brave and honorable, were his actions. I was so mad, mostly at myself for not being there, that I lashed out at everyone. As much as you and I wish he could be here. As much as we wish Arngunn, Asfrid, and the children could come back to us, we have to let them go and live for those who still need us. You have a little girl who desperately needs you, and I have children of my own who need me as well, including you. You’re not alone, son. Even after I’m long gone and dead, you still have people you can lean on to share the burden that comes with leadership. I will do my very best to hold my share of the burden until I can finally join Thorkel in the halls of Valholl,” he says, hand on my shoulder.
“What if the gods don’t exist?” I ask.
He takes a moment to look at all the stars in the sky. “That could be possible. I won’t deny I have doubts more often than not. Maybe there are no gods. Or maybe the gods we worship are not the true gods. Maybe they are. We’ll only find out on our own last voyage. But I can tell you what’s true is true regardless of what you and I know and believe. I know that doesn’t help, but I don’t have the right answer to this question. Sometimes you just need faith, but when I see those stars above, I know it couldn’t be just a coincidence. I do know one thing: it is better to believe in a god that doesn’t exist than to walk alone without faith in a world like this. Regardless of whether or not the gods we worship exist, it feels good to believe in something, rather than nothing at all.”
I ponder that for a moment as I look out at the oddly calm sea that reflects the stars above. “I suppose I can accept that.”
“You won’t ever have all the answers. None of us do, and those who say they do are either crazy or drunk on their own brew. We do the best we can with what we have, and even then, sometimes it is not enough. The world will take what it wants from us and we are powerless to stop it, but that doesn’t mean we should surrender to its will. We fight on and save those who we can. We carry on and grieve our dead, celebrate their lives, and say our farewells. It’s not forever, it’s just for now. One day, we will see them again. I’m sure of it. But for now, the people who are still with us are the ones who need us. So, we carry on until our last voyage when we can be reunited with those we lost,” father says.
“How do you carry on when it feels so futile?” I ask.
“Is it?” my father asks as he meets my eyes. “Are our people not better because of your actions? Look back upon our village. It is far different from the one you grew up in. It’s been devastated by invaders, but it still stands and it is stronger than it was before. And you are a big reason for that.”
“But Thon was the one who killed most of the giants and healed our people. He saved my life. Without his aid, wouldn’t all have been lost?” I ask.
“Perhaps. But who brought him here? If it were not for you and your hearing, we’d have never met him. If it were not for you, we’d not have this new strength. And you have a bad knack for underplaying your role in things. I saw you on the battlefield with the giants. What you did was nothing short of glorious. You went toe to toe with the giants, killing more than any of us could, all without the aid of others. Not only that, you showed men how to fight them and you saved many lives, including my own. You were the true hero of that battle, and I’ve never been prouder of you,” he says, and gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Now come on, let us head inside and get some sleep. You’ll need your rest for your raids.”
I nod and get up with him. I take one last look out at the sea. I still can’t say goodbye. “And son?”
I meet my father’s eyes. “There is no shame in coming out here to speak with those you lost, but do not get lost in them. It is easy to live in the past and let pain and grief consume you. But you cannot let the past take you away from the here and now. We need you and we love you. The memories of them will not go away, but the pain will dull over time. One day you’ll look back and only see the fond memories you shared with them, and you will feel joy for those moments instead of sorrow in their absence. And hopefully, you can learn to love again.”
I nod as I consider his words. He smiles at me. “Oh… And one other thing. Don’t forget where you placed your flame, and don’t let it go out. You’ll need the flame in the cold, long nights ahead. If you can, try to find a second flame to make yours burn hotter. And don’t let anyone drink the wine you find or any of the stronger drinks on your voyage. At least not until you all get back.” He smiles and then makes his way back. I hate when he does that. Always leaving riddles. But I can admit it is fun to do it to others. I still can’t forget the look on Thormar’s face when I told him the advice about meeting new people. It was worth my entire weight of gold.
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